This December marks the fourth holiday season that I’ve said to myself, “This will be our last Christmas without a baby.” For the last four years, each time we get to this point in the calendar I have steeled my nerves, soldiered on through the holiday gatherings, and done my best to not show my sadness when answering questions about when Kurt and I were going to start our family.

But this year, I am struggling with the holidays more than I have ever before. I have been slower to put up decorations, I’ve avoided many of my favorite holiday movies and songs, and I haven’t wanted to participate in parties or gatherings because I just don’t want to talk about my infertility with others right now. While it certainly is a time to be merry and bright, I am not feeling that way this year.

As we come closer and closer to Christmas and the end of 2019, I wanted to share a few tips that I’ve used so far to survive this holiday season. For those of you walking this infertility road with me, I hope these help. And for those of you who might know someone on their own journey with infertility, please feel free to share these tips!

It’s OK to say no.

While I am definitely an introvert all of the year, this holiday season I’ve found myself expressing these introverted tendencies more intensely. I have not hesitated to turn down event invitations and have been really selective in what I have agreed to participate in. I also have given myself permission to not feel guilt when choosing not to participate in things. I know, deep-down, it’s going to help me make it through this season a little bit more intact.

Know your trigger points.

I vividly remember the Christmas Eve service that Kurt and I attended the year that we started trying to conceive. I sobbed through almost the entire thing. The sermon was all about the wonder of babies and how innocent and amazing life is when it begins. There was even an accompanying PowerPoint presentation with slide after slide of adorable baby photos. We haven’t been to a Christmas Eve service since, and I don’t know that I will choose to go this year either. It is triggering for me and, in order to survive the holiday season, I need to avoid that kind of environment in order to be more present at the events in which I do choose to participate.

Share your feelings with others (when you want to).

I have learned through our journey with infertility that my friends and family cannot read my mind, so often they don’t know when I’m experiencing a rush of emotions about our current family status. But the more I have been willing to share my feelings with others, the more they are able to anticipate how I’m feeling in an environment. With lots of opportunities coming up where questions about our family status will likely be asked, I’m mentally preparing some answers in anticipation of emotional reactions so that I can share my feelings in a way that doesn’t make others uncomfortable.

Making myself the top priority.

So far this holiday season I have made a point to do things that bring me happiness. I have worked on new and fun knitting projects, I have participated in special holiday-themed activities with my mom, and I have taken time to express my creativity by decorating our home for the holidays in new ways. At the same time, I have also given myself the space to feel sad about our family status in this season. I have spoken up or stopped doing something when it starts making me sad or uncomfortable, and I have been sure to give myself (and Kurt) frequent pats on the back for making it through the holidays this year.

Dream and plan for the future.

When it has felt OK to do so, I have also given myself the space to hope, dream, and plan for future holidays when we do have children. I have bought a few special items to keep for future Christmas celebrations, dreamed about holiday traditions that I’d like to build for our family, and thought about what celebrating with our extended family would look like if we had a baby. And when it starts to hurt too much, I let myself push those things to the back of my mind and save them for another day when it hurts less.

I hope these tips help you survive this holiday season like they’ve helped me to so far. Living through infertility has shown me that while life isn’t always as easy as we would like, together we can all be a little more kind, a little more understanding, and a little bit happier. Happy holidays, friends!