Last year, I shared with you my tips for how to survive the holidays when navigating infertility. (You can read those tips here.) I recently re-read that post and remembered how, deep down, I still felt hopeful back then about what was ahead of us in our infertility journey. Even through the pain of another holiday season passing without a pregnancy or a baby. But I’ll be honest friends - as we approach our fifth holiday season still navigating infertility after the loss of our pregnancy in October, that hope feels very hard to find right now.

In the weeks since the loss of our baby girl, I’ve recognized how grief can really settle in. With each week that passes, I do continue to feel more physically back to normal. However, emotionally some days I still feel like I’m reliving the time immediately following the news that there was no longer a heartbeat, just paralyzed with sadness. Experiencing this grief has been unpredictable at times - sometimes when I expect it most it’s not there and I’m pleasantly surprised. And other times, when I expect it least it stops me dead in my tracks and I’m just stuck, completely consumed and unable to move.

I think about our baby girl everyday. Sometimes, when I’m feeling especially lost, I’ll look at the photo of her embryo and the photo printouts I have from those weekly ultrasounds. Or I’ll open the album I created in my phone that has the bump photos we had started to take after our confirmed pregnancy tests, and the videos I took at each ultrasound appointment so Kurt could see her too.

The unpredictability of experiencing this grief has made thinking about and planning for the holidays difficult too. Had things been all ok, we would have spent the holiday season squarely in the second trimester of pregnancy. With each week that passes, I think about what milestones I would have been hitting, how big she would have become with each week that she grew, and the little things we would have done throughout the season to celebrate her upcoming arrival.

I’ve also noticed more than ever this year how so much about the holiday season is geared toward celebrating children and families. Dialogue in a television show or holiday shopping ads and emails will remind me that we could have been planning for a very different set of circumstances to come in 2021. But instead of getting excited to design a nursery or figuring out what to include on our baby registry, we’re left with another holiday season waiting for answers to another set of tests, and trying to plan - and figure out how to pay for - the next steps in our treatments.

Truthfully, I am frustrated that this is our fifth Christmas without a pregnancy or a baby. I am frustrated that we are waiting for another round of test results in order to make our plan for 2021. I am frustrated that we have spent so much money this year doing IVF, and now we have to figure out where we’ll find the financial assistance to keep spending next year too in order to keep going with treatments. And I am frustrated that the grief I feel on a daily basis isn’t really allowing me to find joy easily during this time of year that I used to love so much.

I guess the silver lining of 2020’s holiday season is that it will be different from others before. The need to distance ourselves and limit gatherings in order to keep others safe and healthy has helped to give me the space that I’ve needed to process these feelings of grief, loss, and hopelessness. It’s also allowed Kurt and I to explore new traditions and try different activities in order to find a little bit of peace this time of year. I’m grateful for the chances I’ve had to slow down and lean into my emotions, rather than feeling like I need to ignore them in order to put on a happy face like I’ve done before.

I imagine this holiday season is going to be hard for people, for a variety of reasons. My wish for you, friend, is that if you find yourself feeling sorrow or sadness this holiday season, you find a way to honor that feeling and give it space amongst the fun and merriment. Take some time each day to reflect on the feelings you’re experiencing; I’m going to try and do the same too. Sending you much love and strength for the holidays.