Infertility impacts approximately 15% of couples in America and is a result of abnormal functioning of the male or female reproductive systems. Because I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), I live with one of the most common causes of infertility in women.

To be clear, my goal with these posts is to be open. Since we began fertility treatments in 2017 I've done a lot of searching to find experiences and stories from women living with PCOS and/or going through fertility treatments, and so far I haven't come up with much. Because I want to hear about what other women are experiencing, I am sure that others out there feel the same. While I know this is my story, I hope that by sharing it openly I will help someone else through whatever they are experiencing. 

Well, I had every intention of sharing this post with you all back in March during Pregnancy After Loss Awareness Month. But here we are, almost in the middle of July, and I’m just now feeling like I am able to gather my thoughts! If that doesn’t tell you something about what pregnancy after loss actually is like, I don’t know what will :)

A few quick updates before I dig into what this has experience has been for me so far:

• This week I hit 26 weeks of being pregnant! It’s amazing to think that we’re more than halfway done with this process, have passed the 24 week viability milestone, and come closer everyday to meeting our little girl.

• For the most part, I have felt really good since I last shared an update with you around 9 weeks. The subchorionic hematoma I had resolved itself around 10 or 11 weeks, and I’ve only had one instance of light spotting since then. I haven’t had any nausea or major food aversions, and other than having some trouble getting comfortable and sleeping through the night, my energy levels have improved in the second trimester!

• I was diagnosed pretty early on with gestational diabetes. My family history of Type 1 diabetes and my own diagnosis of PCOS meant there was a pretty high possibility that I’d experience this part of pregnancy. I’ve been checking my blood sugars four times a day since our 16 week early anatomy ultrasound, and added insulin at night a couple of weeks after that. Overall, following the suggested meal plan has not been difficult at all, and I think it’s really helped me to also minimize my weight gain for the majority of pregnancy so far! Truthfully, there is a part of me that is grateful to have a medication routine again - after months of having a set routine to follow throughout the IVF process, it feels normal to have alarms for medication or blood check reminders to go off throughout the day.

• I learned at our 16 week scan that I have an anterior placenta, which means the placenta is acting as a cushion between my outer belly and the baby. I only recently began to feel some regular fetal movements, which is normal for having an anterior placenta, but that’s probably been one of the largest contributing factors to the anxiety that I have had being pregnant after loss.

• We’ve finished our baby registries (you can check them out here, here and here if you’d like!), have two baby showers planned in Illinois and Pennsylvania, and plans are underway for the nursery. I’ll share with you more about all of those things in future posts too!

As I think about what these weeks have been like, it’s neat to reflect on how I’ve seen and begun to feel an important shift in my mental attitudes away from fear and worry, and moving toward excitement and trust. This shift has really only happened in the couple of weeks following our 20 week full anatomy scan.

Leading up to that anatomy scan, I felt an almost constant sense of worry that something was going wrong. I didn’t necessarily have any reason to feel that way - no abnormal symptoms or anything - but nonetheless I still felt these feelings of dread throughout most days. Experiencing pregnancy loss has shown me that nothing in our bodies is guaranteed to work. Even being in a situation where things are mostly going really well, at the beginning of pregnancy I still didn’t feel at times like I could trust my body to do what it was supposed to do to support this pregnancy, even though it was showing me everyday that it was capable.

I think another contributing factor to my worry in early pregnancy were the results of my NPIT testing. Even though we transferred a PGT tested embryo, my OB encouraged us to also complete the NPIT testing as a double check of those results. We did that testing around 12 weeks and after the bloodwork results came back, learned that they were inconclusive. Basically, there was not enough fetal DNA in my blood stream to be able to test for those chromosomal abnormalities that the NPIT tests for. This news sent me into a spiral of worry, even though I knew we had transferred a PGT tested embryo that was perfectly normal! The genetic counselor we worked with at the maternal fetal medicine office was wonderful in explaining all of the possible reasons why the results could be showing up like that, and also encouraged us to repeat the blood work at our 20 week full anatomy scan when there was going to be a greater chance that the amount of fetal DNA in my blood stream would be high enough to detect. Sure enough she was right, and we got our confirmed results that nothing looks to be wrong with our little girl.

Now that we are close to the end of the second trimester and on our way to the third, I have been spending some time thinking about what these last few weeks of pregnancy might be like. Overall, I have to say that being pregnant has been an enjoyable experience for me; while there has definitely been anxiety and stress about how things are going inside of my uterus, I have not had any extreme physical symptoms that have made the experience uncomfortable or unenjoyable. I’m curious how that will change as she and I continue to grow as we come closer to October and our due date.

This has been a completely unexpected side effect, but being pregnant has also helped me find enjoyment again in getting dressed! I was really worried how the challenge of a growing body would impact my emotional and mental health based on how little I have loved my body up until now. There are certainly still some things about my body that I am not always happy with, but being pregnant has helped me to appreciate all that my body can do and have fun with clothes again - I’ve enjoyed being able to be creative and try new things that I wouldn’t have had the confidence to try before (I’m looking at you bike shorts!). I am already thinking about how to continue these feelings of satisfaction and love for my body in those postpartum months too.

Overall, pregnancy after loss for me has been an anxiety filled experience at times, but also an extremely positive one. I don’t think I could have had one part of the experience without the other - learning to trust myself and my own capabilities has been a great exercise in personal growth, especially after years of feeling like nothing was going to work when navigating infertility. Starting to feel fetal movements has also really helped me to realize that my body is capable and strong enough to finish this pregnancy. Beginning to feel again a sense of confidence in myself - and my body - I thought I’d never have has been a wonderful part of this pregnancy after loss experience.